This Rant Brought to You By…
Mooburg Hotel, 43 Silage Street East, 555-6854.
The Mooburg Hotel
(formerly the Aardvark Inn) was
opened around the turn of the 20th century by the Aardvark brothers. Yes, we
have cleaned up since the tourist riots. The hotel's setting is breathtaking,
opposite Rotary Park and the garbage dump. Fresh hay in every room. The Warm Hand
on a Cold Morning Pub and the Silage Bistro are popular with tourists with very
clean cud bins. Tourists with dirty bins should probably drive on to Gravity
Falls. Happy hour is every day from 5.30 to 6.30. On Thursdays, play Veggie
Madness and get a free meal if you win. Live entertainment monthly featuring
the Moo Valley Jug Band, complete with real jug. You'll love the Caged
Aardvark, so stop in for a photo.
Grossly Overpriced Antique Co., 29 Silage Street, 555-9876
Grossly Overpriced is a family-owned and operated
antique store specializing in tourist fleecing. Our motto is, "You break
it, you buy it." We carry many items ranging from furniture, china, glass,
primitives, and sports memorabilia. Free estimates of your own antiques,
guaranteed to let us buy the stuff cheap and sell it at a disgusting profit. We
are also authorized dealers for the Flimsy, Bandaged Carvers, and Stolen Art
brands, just to name a few. We also carry locally hand-crafted items and our
own unique genuine antiques, hurriedly made in our back room.
Cow National Car Repair, 404 Cud St. West, 555-3860
There is no long-term automotive repair shop in
Mooburg, because cows don't drive. However, a mechanical garage is open during
the vacation season to fleece the tourists. Price of gas is at least 10 cents
higher than in surrounding towns.
Other garages in Mooburg are illegal. Rumor has it
that the new owner of 4284 S. Hoof Court, Marvin Bandicoot, is proposing to
open a garage in his back yard. City Hall has refused him a permit. Mr.
Bandicoot, who is not of the cow persuasion, has gone ahead and put in a
hydraulic lift in his garage and informed the city that the use will not be
commercial. However, the telephone book and his business card list 4284 S. Hoof
Court as Mr. Bandicoot’s business address. The City plans to revoke his back yard
next Friday.
Endangered Bookstore, Inc., 581 Cud Street East. 555-0481
We are pleased to announce that the Endangered
Bookstore is no longer in business. Cows don't read, so what's the point?
Visitors to Mooburg, however, will enjoy the store's display of empty book
shelves, and "Going Out of Business" posters (still stuck to the
front window). During the high tourist season, copies of the Mooburg Telephone
Directory, and empty bound pages with Harlequin Romance covers glued to them
are available at a nominal cost for beachside reading.
Bossy's Boutique, 302 Cud Street East. 555-3962
Discover Bossy's Boutique! A wide selection of unique
fashions makes us the best place to shop for accessories, sportswear, dresses
and gowns. Tired of mid-winter milkings? Bossy carries everything from suits to
socks to udder warmers in sizes ranging from 4 to 243, as long as it is in
black and white. As a special feature, customers receive a bowl of cud when
they enter the store. "The approach is genteel elegance," said Bossy,
whose merchandise comes directly from John Deere.
WCOW 98.5 FM -- All Cow! All the Time! McCorkle Farm, 555-1212
One of Mooburg's quality local radio stations. In
fact, Mooburg's only station and the dominant media force in the Moo Valley, as
long as you’re not more than 50 feet from our antenna. WCOW FM broadcasts live
24 hours a day, seven days a week, from the WCOW World Broadcast Centre in
Mooburg, about three feet underwater in the middle of Lafe McCorkle's
cornfield. Specializing in Amish Heavy Metal, Morning Milk Mantovani, and Mooing
with Barry Manilow.
Steamroller Dry Cleaners, Inc. 49 Cut Street West, 555-3715
This month only! Clearance sale on torn rags and
slightly mashed buttons! We specialize in industrial-strength starch. Our
process has passed all state and provincial building code standards for
compression strength. Nationally accepted substitute for quick-drying cement.
Our motto: If we promise we'll deliver it by tomorrow, it's good enough to keep
till a week Tuesday. Come in today! See whose laundry you actually take home
tomorrow!
Flimsy Excuses, Inc. 55 Cud Street West, 555-7654
More than you ever dreamed could be made out of balsa
wood, Kleenex, and cardboard and sold for more than a thousand dollars! Free
delivery, as long as you live next door. Come in and browse! See our new
self-locking door! We accept all credit cards and most denominations of bills.
New shipment of broken furniture left over from last August's tourist riots,
which, we are just informed, did not take place. Flimsy Excuses — your local
emporium of bad taste.
Slightly Stale Buds, Ltd., 99 Hoof Street, 555-1324
Just in! Unique exploding poppies! Surprise your
friends! Our store is easy to find! Just across the street from the Bide-a-Wee
Cemetery. We know absolutely nothing about the flowers that have been
disappearing from the grave yard. Stop in to see us and look over our large
collection of slightly used flower arrangements. Rock bottom prices on our
large collection of roses labelled "We will miss you, Uncle Oscar".
Happy Wanderer Morticians, 67 Hoof Street, 555-8754
Let's get one thing straight. We had nothing to do
with the disappearance of Uncle Oscar! He was lying there in the back room and
then, Hey, Presto! Now that we've cleared that up, would the gentleman from the
Gravity Falls Medical School please pay up? You're two months behind on the
bribe money. We wouldn't want the Provincial Board of Examiners to get a little
surprise in the mail, now would we? Oh, yes. Special this week on horrendously
overpriced teak and gold-plated caskets. Six for the price of one sale. Surprise your friends!
Damn! What is this?
Damn! What is this?
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