Sunday, April 6, 2014

Epilogue is Better Than No Log At All


By Dr. Bituminous Q. Floyd,
Federal Inspector General of Suspicious Happenstances 

Good day, gentlemen. 

This is a prerecorded briefing made prior to Aardvark Al’s historic leap into Mooburg Gorge.  For security reasons of the highest importance the contents of this briefing have been known only by your A901-grade Graviton Particle, affectionately known as Smike. 

Now that you are orbiting the planet Fridlap, and the whole crew is revived, we can now tell you that your entire journey has been a gigantic waste of time. We’re sorry about it, but there it is. It’s the last time we’ll trust a cat who licks driveways. 

We can now tell you that eighteen months ago, scientists at the Roger T. Bedpan Laboratory for the Exploration of Unexplored Space believed that they had discovered the first evidence of a fully mobile intelligent cybernetic organism on Earth. This intelligence, they reported, was buried 40 feet below the surface of a garbage dump five kilometers east of Mooburg, Ontario. Except for a single very powerful radio emission aimed at the planet Fridlap, the four-million year old aardvark (now known in the scientific literature as Aardvark Al) has remained completely incoherent. His insane rants are still a total mystery to us.

As soon as we were able to fit the organism with a Class Three (aardvark snout optimized) straightjacket, the poor quadruped began babbling about Quonset huts,  which as we all know, were developed at the start of World War II, in 1941, when the US Navy realized it would soon need more large cheese-shaped buildings to put people in. Mr. Aardvark’s babblings went something like this:

“The Navy went to the George A. Fuller construction company in New York, well known for constructing brushes of all types and selling them door to door. Fuller immediately ran into some logistics problems. For one thing, they were plumb out of cheese. But they had plenty of unsold brushes. The Navy said no, if you don't mind, housing people in large brushes is a dumb idea. Why not use galvanized steel?

The Fuller people said maybe, but they're probably going to end up looking like brushes anyway.

So the Navy called in a consultant from the Portland Longhorn Cheese company, who explained the traditional Longhorn shape, which looked nothing like a brush. Quonset huts actually look like a large, galvanized hunk of Longhorn cheese -- with a large door in it, of course. Good luck making a sandwich out of a Quonset hut.”

Needless to say, we ran through three legal secretaries (who became increasingly bewildered while writing this stuff down) before we decided to put a muzzle on said aardvark. 

The remaining investigation was centered on a cybernetic hookup to Mr. Aardvark’s brain, during which we discovered that the entire scope of his rantings were just that: incoherent babblings that existed solely in the mind of one Al J. Aardvark. Mr. Aardvark never was arrested in a donut shop, there never was a Thundering Bluejeans Dude Ranch, he never had a conversation with Hermann Hesse, and he never fell into Mooburg Gorge wrestling with his non-existent arch-enemy, Morton Slaf-Kabnecier. The name of this last non-personage should have given this insanity away. Even a third-grader would realize, after cursory inspection, that the name spelled backwards constitutes a brazen slap in the face of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the well-respected writer and paleoanthropological explorer of Piltdown, Sussex fame.

We feel it is important for this commission to apologize, not only to our crewmembers, fruitlessly orbiting the planet Fridlap as we speak, but also to the two readers who have chanced upon Mr. Aardvark’s ramblings unaware of the dangers of so doing.

If we have caused you any social embarrassment as a result of reading these insanities we are truly, humbly, and irrevocably sorry. Not to mention transmogragraphically regretful. 

Yours, in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural fluids,

Dr. Bituminous Q. Floyd,
Federal Inspector General of Suspicious Happenstances