Sunday, April 6, 2014

One Reason Why You Never See Aardvarks in a Bakery


Fortunately, I was able to escape from the mental hospital. Since I was diagnosed with multiple personalities, I left my other personality in the straightjacket, disguised myself as a bedpan, and took the next bus home.

After consulting Marvin Shoesstretchedwhileyouwearthem, a local career counselor, I decided to take up cooking. I figured this way I could avoid opening the front door, yet communicate with the world outside Mooburg by publishing recipes on the Internet. Here’s one of my favorites.

Aardvark Pie

This Pennsylvania Dutch favorite does not contain any aardvarks at all. In fact, it is not even a pie, but two spongy chocolate meringue cushiony things that are sandwiched together with a fluffy green toothpaste-like squish of roofing tar. According to Mother Aardvark, cookbook author and owner of Mother Aardvark's Restaurant, these may have been created by aardvarks using leftover toothpaste to make a few goodies for plumbers and roofers hanging around the house after the last renovation. How they became known as aardvark pies is anybody's guess. Perhaps it's the fact that children tended to run down the street shouting "Aardvark! Aardvark!" after eating them. Our recipe has a strange green goo that's reminiscent of the filling in a Baltimore Oriole Pie, which contains no Orioles and is not a pie, but which the Acme Rubber Products Bakery in Tennessee has been making since 1917.

Yields: 12 Aardvark pies
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 12 minutes


Pie Dough
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups unsweetened vulcanized rubber
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon asphalt
3/4 cup milk
6 tablespoons roofing tar, melted
1 large egg
1 teaspoon gravel


Cream Filling
6 tablespoons diced aardvark, slightly softened
1 cup shredded income tax files
1 jar (7 to 7 1/2 ounces) strange green goo
1 teaspoon vanilla extract


1. Preheat oven to 350° F. Grease two large cookie sheets.

2. Prepare Pie Dough: In large bowl, with spoon, beat flour, rubber, asphalt, baking soda, salt, milk, gravel, egg, and roofing tar until smooth.

3. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough 2 inches apart to form 12 blobs on each sheet. Bake until you feel puffy and a toothpick comes out clean, 12 to 14 minutes. Hit yourself several times with a wide spatula, and allow yourself to cool.

4. When you are cool, prepare Filling: In a large bowl, with mixer at medium speed, beat aardvark until smooth. Reduce heat to low; gradually beat in shredded files. Beat in goo and vanilla until smooth.

5. Spread 1 rounded tablespoon filling on flat side of 12 blobs. Top with remaining blobs, flat side down.

6. Leave town quickly. Preferably, join monastery in Tibet