Sunday, April 6, 2014

We (Gingerly, Avoiding Nuclear Explosions If At All Possible) Interrupt this Rant


We interrupt this rant to bring you a message from the Greater Mooburg Chamber of Commerce.

During the last few weeks, we the members of the Mooburg Chamber of Commerce have become aware of a certain bias of the media against our fair city. We feel it our duty to correct this disinformation — undoubtedly planted in an already negative media by Aardvark dissidents, most of whom are not Mooburg residents at all, but troublemakers from the outside.

Our ultimate goal, of course, is to convince you that none of the reported disasters actually occurred, and that Mooburg is a delightful place to spend your vacation dollars.

A Rather Loud Tourist Boom

The first rumor we want to dispel is the media hype surrounding last summer's "volcanic eruption" of Mount Cud. The out-of-town media would have you believe the fake seismic reports registered as far away as Alaska, and the disputed fact that about 523 visitors' cars were filled with lava within a period of about 15 minutes. 

We say "disputed" mainly to draw attention away from our earlier press release, which stated that the eruption was caused by tourists threatening Mount Cud with their cars and generally antagonizing Morgo, Volcano God of the Underworld.

No, in fact, the event was not a volcanic eruption at all, but a nuclear explosion rained down upon our fair city by Aardvark dissidents.

The problem has since been resolved, and we have it on excellent authority that future nuclear blasts will be confined to the off-season.

No Violence, Please.
We're Cows.

Despite the too-hasty complaints of a small handful of ill-advised vacationers, who rashly visited local hospitals to report broken bones and lacerations, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor of a full-scale riot in Mooburg streets last August.


As well, reports that at least 2,000 vacationers went on a rampage, overturning cars, destroying the Mooburg Tourist Office, and causing $368,024 in damage to the Mooburg Hotel (formerly the Aardvark Inn) are completely false.

Moreover, film coverage of Mooburg police fighting to regain control over angry hordes throwing rocks, beer bottles and small packages of vacation brochures should be completely ignored. Local police, in fact, did not use pepper spray to pacify the mob, which never existed.

The Not-At-All-Frightening
Popularity of Motorized Lawn Bowling 
Police comments that they were lured into "a premeditated attack" by gangs of disgruntled tourists frankly baffled us until we realized that they must have been referring to the historical re-enactment of the 1962 Mooburg Jute Mill Explosion, which took place in the town's Rotary Club Park two months earlier.
The 12 police officers who were injured that day, as well as the 32 mangled members of the nonexistent crowd, had actually been involved in a strenuous game of lawn bowling when the injuries broke out. One visitor from Winnipeg (which also does not exist), for example, was actually trying to complete a very difficult oblique-corner bowl when he accidentally ran over a police officer with his 2002 green Honda Civic.

We of the Mooburg Chamber of Commerce thank you for your kind attention. We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.