Sunday, April 6, 2014

So Eventually We Get Down to the Real Unauthorized Autobiography of Al J. Aardvark


As you may have heard, Aardvark Al is living out the rest of his retirement years in the Harry P. Gesticulation Home for the Mentally Questionable. Although he is not technically dead, as an intelligent cybernetic organism of the immortal persuasion, he may in fact be there for a very long time. So, what the heck. We thought we would bang off his autobiography, just to avoid the rush when Al eventually decides to join the choir invisible.

"A Young Aardvark Named Al"


Al J. Aardvark was born on a potato farm near Flin Flon, Manitoba on July 27th, 1889. We say he was born, but as soon as he was pitched forth into the world, he discovered that there actually is no such place as the Province of Manitoba, so he immediately cancelled his birth certificate. He was later born in Montreal to Pierre Aardvark, a local shoe salesman, and his wife Eleanor, a local shoe.

Early Fruitings


Despite these facts, Al's father insisted for the rest of his life on being described as a Norwegian immigrant who worked for the Southern Pacific Railroad. A strange delusion that was accompanied by a strong craving for tapioca pudding.

Al was raised in a home that did not lack for money or comfort, and he received the benefits of a fine education at a Jesuit school. There, he obtained lessons in music, French, and religion. At the age of seven, he began the study of the violin, and — influenced by his second teacher, Josef Ziegler — was able to balance the violin on his nose while juggling half a dozen Boston Cream donuts.

Pausing briefly to wash off his hands, Aardvark Al worked his way through college, receiving a bachelor of law degree from the University of Aardvark (New Brunswick Campus) in 1892. The young lawyer became a deputy district attorney in Aardvark County. He was elected district attorney of the county in 1923. Before becoming Large Mufti of Quebec, Aardvark Al served as attorney general from 1934 to 1945, enjoying the image of an effective foe of racketeers. 

Well, guess who was Thomas Dewey's vice presidential running mate in 1948? The answer is Aardvark Al. Although he never became president of the United States, the plucky aardvark was appointed chief justice of the United States Supreme Court -- a post he held for, oh, two or three weeks.

Chicka-Boom, Chicka-Boom, Chicka-Boom Boom Boom

Disillusioned with politics, the young aardvark then decided to lead a popular Latin band that influenced other Latin Big Bands such as Noro Morales, Jose Cabello, not to mention Pupi Campo.
The Aardvark band played a more mainstream style on radio in the early 21st Century before moving into TV a few years later. In November of that same year, Al joined the "I'm Afraid We're Only Going to Run For Three Years" TV show, which unfortunately ran for only three years.

Sorry. You're Sitting on my Golden Spur

A year later, Al joined the musical court of Prince Joseph Friedrich von Sachsen-Hildburghausen, and received more intense lessons on the violin from Giuseppe Trani. The intensity involved Giuseppe banging on Al's head with the violin. The violin instructor was highly impressed with his student`s cranial resiliency, and recommended him to Giuseppe Bonno.

Mr. Aardvark remained in the Bonno position until the orchestra was disbanded when the Prince moved to Hildburghausen to avoid his mother-in-law. Al, as well as most of the others of that orchestra, then entered the service of Count Durazzo, who was the director of theater for the Imperial court and, in his spare time, was a red, four-on-the-floor coupe with independent rear suspension. 

However, Aardvark Al's contract soon expired, so he accepted a position as Kapellmeister to the Bishop of Grosswardein. This was largely done to avoid having to work under Count Wenzel Spork (successor of Durazzo) who was on very bad personal terms with him. Be honest. You'd be on very bad personal terms with just about everybody if your name was Wenzel Spork.

While traveling about Europe, Aardvark Al met Count Schaffgotsch, who was Prince-Bishop of Breslau. The intrepid aardvark was invited to visit the Count`s castle at Johannesburg for an extended stay, avoiding as much as possible a favorite game of the Prince's, which involved running around the apple orchard and clucking like a chicken.

The Prince-Bishop, in fact, was so impressed by Al's clucking that he made it possible for him to become a Knight of the Order of the Golden Spur. Unfortunately, Al had to give up his coveted Knight of Columbus affiliation, since it was one of those secret society deals. Two years later, Al was given a title of nobility by the Empress Maria Theresa. He was allowed to call himself Al Aardvark von Aardvarksdorf, which comes in handy at parties.

Next Time, Use a Mach 3

By this time bored with music and nobility, Aardvark Al enlisted in the U.S. Air Force -- still at the relatively young age of eighteen, or forty-two, whichever comes first. He worked as an aircraft mechanic, then entered test pilot school and so impressed his superiors that he was selected to fly the X-1 from a list of more than 125 senior pilots. Unfortunately, a list of pilots makes a very small airstrip, so he crashed the plane into a nearby marshmallow factory, totalling the plane but delighting his sweet tooth.

One day Al woke up, went to the bathroom, dropped his electric razor in the shower and accidentally broke the sound barrier over the town of Victorville, California. What the sound barrier was doing in California, we still don't know.

Being a polite aardvark, Al replaced the sound barrier after he broke it.